All I remember of those last two hours were the faces of the people around me, my boyfriend, my mother, my sisters... The nurses and midwife. The Pain, the warm rush and more pain. Then nothing, suddenly my over stressed body finally went numb, I just remember glancing to my right suddenly seeing brilliant light and hearing the softest cry.
I felt tears falling from the corner of my eyes, but I didn't have the strength to lift my hands to wipe them away. I couldn't see his face, I could only hear his feeble cries as he attempt to take his first breaths. I glanced at my mother who was crying, my sisters who were looking into this alien contraption with giant orange lights like a super heat lamp, my boyfriend pacing back and forth between both the heat bin and my side.
I remember wanting to reach out and then the stinging pain of the doctor as she began attempting to fix all the damage that tiny cry had created to my body. I just let go. Closed my eyes. I was so tired, so very tired.
I remember them moving me, moving was not easier; I was tired, my legs felt like lead, my head heavy. They just kept telling me just to try to sit up a little, just a little.
Then they handed me this tiny thing, all wrapped up tight is a blanket burrito. He was bright read and squished looking! He looked swollen and he tried feebly to open his eyes. It took me a moment; adjusting my weariness to stare down at this little creature trying so hard to stare back at me.
Looking down at that scrunched up face; with bright red cheeks and pitch black hair, I was lost.
Would it be bad to admit, that while feeling the tug on my heart strings, it wasn't completely love at first sight?
I had just been through a tremendously traumatic experience, they said I might never be able to have more children, they said I lost so much blood and my cervix had split itself nearly in half. I had stitches inside, outside. I was sore all over. Every time I would get up, I left a trail of blood like a murder scene.
It took me a few days to replenish! To wake up from my near death and really look. And look I did.
I never stopped looking at those tiny hands and tiny feet! At those rounded cheeks and rosebud mouth. I couldn't wait till he opened his eyes, to see the promise of color beneath the baby haze of milky blue.
I was drowning in love that can never be compared to any other experience of "love" I will ever feel or ever did.
It was the purest First Love of my life.
He was my first best friend and the first love of my life!
And I named him Alexander.
And to be honest, having given birth to three others after him, the love is not different, but the experience surely is. I fell in love for the first time ever in my life. On that extremely long awaited day, at 9:45 in the morning in May!
My first love, my true love, my first born son!
More than Cheese and Beer for #SundayConfessions