Now I’m a simple man with realistic dreams, I can dream of grand and lavish things but I’m realistic, so when I set my ultimate goals in life I kept it simple and obtainable, or what I hoped was obtainable. What were the most important things to me, what will make me happy and fulfilled? My goals, quite simply, were to find a beautiful, loving wife, have a good paying job and to own a house one day. But honestly, my biggest dream was to find a woman to spend the rest of my life with that I could love unconditionally, that loved me back as much as I loved her. To feel love and happiness with each other forever.
Not unrealistic, simple, obtainable, shouldn’t be too hard, right? Well, for a boy who grew up moving from apartment to apartment watching my parents struggle with mediocre jobs, never owning a home, doing what they could to provide food, clothes, and shelter for their children, I knew reaching my goals might not be so simple. When my parents got divorced (out of nowhere in my mind) my teenage self started to realize his dreams were more fairy tale ending then realistic ideals.
I watched as most adults around me got divorced or met and dated (for a lack of a better word) scumbags. Some were married or got married but still didn’t seem completely happy, seemingly settling for someone they cared about that didn’t drive them too crazy. Was this what love really is, settling for someone just for companionship? No, there has to be more to love, real love.
Fast forward a few years, now a lonely, emotionally unstable twenty something young man, or old child depending how you look at it, who represses all his anger and depression. (like a good Irishman should. Lol) A heavy drinker that hates life and sees his fairy tale dreams slipping further and further away. Starting to accept that, for all the good qualities he has, all the respect he’s always shown toward others, and for generally always behaving, never touched drugs, didn’t commit crimes, wasn’t a cheater, someone who tries to be a good person but always feeling like he was getting shit on, nice guys finish last, constantly feeling he was born to lose. My own original, personal quote back then…”life is nothing but endless pains of reality”. Those adolescent dreams of having a happy life with a loving wife was a fairy tale. Unrealistic to even think about anymore, just causes more depression. On a downward spiral of hating life more and more, drinking to mask reality, just finding somebody to love, to settle for as so many others have done, seemed like wasted thoughts.
One day this old boy met somebody whom he fell in love with, things looked good, maybe this fairy tale will come true, marriage was on the horizon, things were good, right? WRONG!!!! Someone to settle for, sure and that’s what love is, isn’t it? This love wasn’t effortless, happy love. Never feeling truly loved, always afraid, somehow knowing that all this would end, that this couldn’t be his true love, living in fear of betrayal. Not feeling safe and comfortable, but lost and empty, waiting to be stepped on again.
Long story short, it was a long time of constantly looking over my shoulder just waiting for something to happen. Never comfortable, never truly in that deep fairy tale love I dreamed of as a child. Sure there were some happy times and I was content, key word content, but not truly happy. Ultimately the marriage ended, she walked away.
But this was okay as, ironically, I soon realized this might be for the best, suddenly no more fear, no more tip toeing on eggshells, no more biting my tongue, quickly realizing I had lost me, who is this guy in the mirror? Is that me? What is he wearing? That can’t be me, no, somebody stole my clothes, brain washed me, changed me into something I didn’t want to be. Somebody I didn’t know. Quickly I went out, got new clothes, my clothes, my style, what I wanted. Fuck everyone PK is back!!! Ohhh, what a rush!!! I was becoming me again. (like a doctor who regeneration, I love you brain ) A simplistic man; casual, comfort first, brash but always honest.
Then out of the stars above, in Jan. 2007, only a few months after my rebirth, came an angel, let’s say a fallen angel, one who was at a similar crossroads, recently divorced, finding herself again, afraid to fall in love as if love doesn’t exist. A blast from the past I had never thought of in that way before. She has 2 young boys, that’s scary, never-mind, I’ll move on, too much responsibility. Wait! What’s that? Something pushing me toward her, a feeling I never felt before. My heart and soul saying shut up logic, stop thinking of destroying something before it starts. Your diabolical, psychotic mind hates you. Listen to us, don’t let her slip away without even trying. Go after her, try, for god sake man, TRY!!! For once I listened to my soul and boy I’m glad I did.
Now this didn’t happen overnight, or maybe it did. This angel, the brain as you know her, contacted me, to try and help someone she knew get through a tough time. Someone who needed an unbiased friend. An experience she knew well, something she was going through, that might be able to lend an ear and a shoulder to help make it through this tough time.
So, we talked and we talked, laughed, cried, even sat in silence with the phone to our ears just to be together in some way. When we finally went on our first date, I opened the car door for her and then stole a kiss in the car (I’m so sly. Haha). It was a little awkward, but she didn’t pull away, that was a plus. At the restaurant I opened the door for her again, something so small yet amazing to her as she had only seen it in fairy tales. Never in person, especially not for her. To this day I still try to do those little things to show my love and affection for her.
We took it slow, sort of, but it went fast. My love grew fast, it felt right, it was easy, effortless, comforting. Her kids liked me, they were innocent, fun and cute. So accepting of this stranger who was dating their mother. I was ready to dive head first, carelessly into this relationship, a fairy tale? Maybe, I was hoping so. The Brain was reluctant. I would tell her that she loved me, that she just didn’t know it yet. I told her “I’m at the edge ready to fall, when you are ready, let me know and we can fall together.”
It took a couple more weeks, but eventually she decided that the pull of our souls was too strong. She had to try, take a chance, listen to her soul not her brain and let herself fall. That’s when it started, twin souls finding each other amidst all odds, like a fairy tale.
There were peaks and valleys like any relationship and naysayers in the kingdom that doubted our love, but like a good fairy tale, we took joy in proving those naysayers wrong. Showing them that this boy, turned man, a king who found his queen. A king needs his queen, as everyone knows, in all fairy tales the queen is the brains and backbone of any kingdom. The one who keeps the king sane (and sanity is not my strong suit lol). There were a few friends of the king’s (OK an Ox, his godmother and 1 cousin) who were happy and believed in this love. Many of the queen’s family were happy to see her with this man, as he was no stranger and was respected by her family.
Now those naysayers are believers, some happily, some possibly distraught or sick to see our love grow. But grow it does, constantly, getting stronger everyday. I finally found love, true love, love so strong, honest, and wonderful, without doubt or fear. The love I dreamed of as a boy, fairy tale love that started to seem impossible. But possible it is, and here I am, happy, in love, loved, complete and thankful everyday for the wonderful family we have which now consists of four amazing boys. Boys I didn’t know I wanted that keep me young. I live vicariously through their eyes. My queen makes me smile everyday as do our boys.
True love is out there, somewhere, fairy tale do come true. It did for me and it’s a beautiful story that is still being written, it gets better every single day. I got my happy ending one I was longing for.
I believe in fairy tales………I love you brain, Forever!!!!