When I was younger, a teenager actually, to me, sex equaled love. For a girl with Daddy issues, the only thing I really wanted was love. So really it probably was no surprise to anyone that the first guy that sacrificed his whole life and future for me, I had a baby with and married before I was even into my twenties. Sex still equaled love in the beginning then too. I would do anything to keep that love and I did do anything. It wasn't until later; with a clear mind and learning about the difference, that I realized the sex at that time really was equaling humiliation, degradation and pain. I was married to a boy-child who learned everything he knew about sex from a porno and it was not even the soft core kind. In our relationship, I started to hate sex, I started to fear being touched, kissed, held, because Sex did not equal love, there was no love involved, just a bitter shaming that made me a slave to him.
Then after he left, it took me a very long time to even desire sex again, but then I was free and I decided to just be me and not even think about it for a while. For a very long while, till I went crazy with that freedom and decided to see- maybe sex could just be sex, maybe it could be enjoyable and fun. Maybe.....
I learned that Sex was just sex when you weren't doing it for any other reasons then the sake of release. When you weren't being forced, bullied, or made to feel like you were disgusting. And it was fantastic! Exciting! I learned a lot in that half a year of freedom. I learned that I really could enjoy sex and be okay with that, but I didn't need it.
Until I met the man that would be my future someday second husband.
I never in my life desired a person more then I do him. We have an animal magnetism that is exciting, delicious, intoxicating. I am addicted to him and let me tell you he is the most fantastic drug in my world.
I can't stop touching him, holding him, tasting him.
When we join together in that sexual bliss it is just the two of us, in that moment, that passion filled, intense moment, sweating and breathing into each other. Moving in a dance of love and sex.
I have had sex with the hope of finding love at the end of it, I have hateful sex, I have had fun sex- but none of it even comes close to the sex I have now- Nothing can compare to this ability we have to just look at each other and feel as if we just fucked the shit out of each other, when we never even touched. How we can go from just sitting in a quiet space, holding hands to making out like two teenagers, our clothed bodies pressed up against each other, his hand sliding up under my shirt. The feel of his rough work worn hands against the soft skin of my back, leaving glowing lines of half pleasure along the way. How when our bodies are naked and joined, the very feel of our skin touching is enough to send me over the edge into passions most effervescent embrace. This man, this kind, gentle man can give me several orgasms before he ever even enters into my body, because we have sex that is so much more then just sex- And even when it is "Just" sex, it is satisfying, Oh yes, it is!
Sex does not equal love anymore- Love equals the most fantastic, breath-taking, amazing, joyful, erotic, desirable sexual experience of all.
***We have four children and busy schedules but we try to fit in some form of contact at least once a week- sometimes two, three, four...enough days that I am not sitting in a corner ready to stab him with a spork! Oh no! I am more then satisfied and I am looking forward to the next few days when we can find so many new ways to turn each other on, with no distractions but ourselves!