The day you were born is a bit of a fog in my mind, not like a; it was so long I can barely remember fog. It is really more like I was above the room on a cloud kind of fog. I was dimming but I could still see it all. It was a rough week, a rough day, a horrible start to my first day at motherhood.
I dreamt about you before that moment, I wondered who you would like. Me or your dad? Would you have my brown eyes or his green. I think that is what I remember most about your dad. His soft green eyes fringed in long black lashes. If you can fall in love with a person's eyes, that is what I did back then. Because there was kindness there and love. A longing so deep. I know you might not believe it now, now that your dad and I are no longer together, but yes, I did love him once. I might love him still. Not in the same way, not like I did back then, but through him I got you and your brother and a part of that love never truly goes away. So yes, I had dreams that you would have your dad's beautiful eyes and my freckles and little nose. A perfect combination of the love we shared while creating you.
I had no clue that I would almost let go that day, no idea that I would be so broken and bleeding that I might just fall asleep and not wake up. It almost happened, but I swear it was you that pulled me back, you that made me gasp for air and find my purpose in life. The purpose that is me, being a mom was my purpose.
I had no idea that I would fall in love that day after finally waking up, to this tiny being who lay wrapped up near my heart. Who would consume me heart and soul, from that spring day in May to now.
I see that little boy still, whenever you do something so mature, so serious. It takes me back to that curious little imp with the crooked smile, who would put on performances just to get a giggle out of me. Who always had a story to tell since the moment words formed in your brain. Today, I saw him, as you adjusted your backpack as you met me halfway on your walk home from school. Tears came to my eyes and I brushed them away before you could see. I was being sentimental, I was feeling you growing up and just for a moment, a three year old you looked up at me instead of directly at me. Asking me if I wanted to play, letting me know the sun was awake!
Yet, before you do, before you are too grown to listen, let's take a moment; to talk once more.
You don't have your dad's green eyes, they are a stormy gray blue, like a summer thunderstorm waiting to happen. They always look so serious, except when you smile or laugh, your whole moment of joy are in those eyes. Try to find these moments of joy often, find happiness in the small things and laugh as much as possible.
You don't have my nose or my freckles, your face is your own, with just enough hints of your dad and I in there as proof of who your parents are.
Your kindness and helpful nature will get you far in life, just remember do not allow anyone to take advantage of that nature. Give where it is deserved and give fully, but always remember yourself at some point too.
Your determination astounds me. I want to encourage it, to let you know that it will be a staple in your life. People will remember you for it, they will talk about you in a positive way, all because of that determination and strength that you already show to the world.
Continue being yourself. I have never seen a child who can still be an individual even when in the center of a crowded room. Everyone gravitates towards you, yet you have somehow continued being you. Don't change that! Someday down the road, you will be glad you have always known who you are.
Be kind to your brothers, I know that isn't always easy, but they will be your best friends for life. Guide them and show them, be proud of the instant friendship you gained the day they were born! Be proud that they want to be in your space and appreciate the fact they will be there, cheering you on for life.
Love fully! With all of yourself, everything you decide to love in this life. Your job, your home, your future partner and children. Love can only make you stronger.
Look at your life and appreciate all of it. Learn from others mistakes and your own. Never doubt your ability, never question your actions. See every single day as a new opportunity and seize it.
Keep doing your best, because that is all that really matters. Just trying is one step in the right direction, always.
You have been built up on a solid foundation of love and respect and everyday you show that you have understood the lessons you have been given. I see it, even as I see my baby from years ago. I see the strong, capable individual you are growing up to be and I am proud to be your mother.
Just remember, you were born as part of a dream! You are part of one amazing story! And even when I dash away the tears that fall at all of your milestones, I am feeling the pride of our never ending tale! I truly do look forward to watching your journey! My baby, my boy, my oldest!
Love always, my heart!